I feel like all I do is watch the world pass by. Everyone else is taking an active role, and I am only doing the bare minimum, which has been happening since college. When did it all break down? It could have been in high school for that matter. How long has it been since I've had no motivation, no extra drive to exceed expectations. What happened to me to begin this slide into apathy? Why am I so apathetic? Do I need to see a therapist? Do I enjoy myself this way? the answer to that is no, yet I do not have the energy to pull myself out of this. When I do, I do some mundane task like cleaning until my energy's spent, and then I did nothing past what had been lacking in my little world for a while. I feel like I'm trapped within the gravity of my world. When I write, which is something I've always felt was a part of me, I write like one page, if that, then go on to something else. I don't have a great, or even good work to put my energies towards. I think about people like my friend Manny, who wants to start his own business. I couldn't be like that. Most of the time when I think of something someone else has placed as important in his life, I find I don't think it important enough for me; or I don't feel like its important enough to waste energy on. I don't ever want to begin something if it's not important. I work like that at work too. There's things I could do that is kind of like busy work, but if it's not something important or pressing, I'll end up doing something totally different instead. Everything in my life is too based on how I feel about it. What happened to doing things because thy need to be done? Most of that has to do with how my brain works now. I haven't been able to just make my brain come up with scenarios if it's not important How am I ever going to be able to write effectively if I can never commit to a story-line when I'm past the initial inspiration? The first day or two you can be excited about a story The problem is that your mind already knows that's going to happen, so it doesn't really care about all the details that get the reader to the end of the story. I guess my mind doesn't come up with stories interesting enough to make it come back guessing. Maybe I have to create a story so far-fetched that my brain doesn't know what's going to happen. maybe I create story lines that are too within the boundaries . Maybe I need to start trying to think of what ifs that are hard to answer I need to begin a story I am scared of, instead of relying on safety stories. I remember the short story I wrote for my creative writing class in college. It was called "Johnson's Run" if that tells you anything about how creative it was. I couldn't even conceive of a creative title. I guess I just didn't care that much, and just wanted to be finished with the project. I am way more complicated than anyone would guess. I think everyone is more complicated than they seem. That is a part of story I need to remember. these 2D characters I conceive of are bigger than my conception. If I cared enough to explore who they were, I would find complications that meet or exceed my own.
"Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to god through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:24-25a
I have one hope. This hope is not a what but The Who.
Happy Easter. He IS Risen Indeed!
"'Yes, I am coming quickly.' Amen. Come, Lord Jesus." Revelation 22:20b
you wrote this.
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