A Crisis

Recently I've been away from God. I'm not proud of this, nor is this a state of affairs that I would like to continue in. However it has given me time to think about how much of my time is spent feeling guilty about my life. What has been called into question for me is how I've noticed myself resenting it all when I'm away from it, yet compelled to always come back, mostly out of fear.

I understand I have been blinded by selfishness, and my feelings of guilt over my own sad state of spiritual affairs. I know that those without Jesus are going to go to Hell. I know He offers a relationship with the Father. I wonder if I've been gyping myself out of this relationship. Of course I naturally believe I am that bad. That's my point though, and is what I've grown to resent. The fact that I can't ever just live a free life, I'm always questioning why I always have to mess it up.

I've began to simply give in to a lot of stuff recently, and just be without always thinking about what I'm doing. In short, I've been living like the rest of the world recently, and however dangerous I know the Bible teaches this to be, I've just simply been enjoying not constantly criticizing my every move. Of course there's always the tape playing in the back of my mind that warns me I cannot continue in this manner for long.

I guess what this has all brought me to is to question why my current mode of Christianity hasn't been sustainable. We've reached a crossroads folks, in which I can no longer continue in the old status quo ways.

So, when I begin to get back into the swing of things, what should I do differently? How can I create sustainable growth, and how can I actually walk in relationship with God? All things are possible with Him, so I guess I'll see what he has to say about it.

Note: I'm also tired of not caring about other people that much. I've been so self- centered that I've gotten paranoid about most people, though I believe most people will give you a reason to mistrust them. I'm tired of seeing other people in the same way I see myself, labeled by what they do. How can I move past this in the right way, without simply just accepting everyone how they are. Are we supposed to accept everyone how they are? There's the whole problem of our sins separating us from God thing, which I know is God's thing to worry about, not mine. How do you accept others when they don't live right? What does it mean to accept someone? Is approval part of accepting them? How do you love people who don't like you? How do you get to the point of not caring what they think about your life anyway? Mainly, how do you love them without sending the message that you can just continue doing what you do forever, and I won't be here to judge?