A Crisis

Recently I've been away from God. I'm not proud of this, nor is this a state of affairs that I would like to continue in. However it has given me time to think about how much of my time is spent feeling guilty about my life. What has been called into question for me is how I've noticed myself resenting it all when I'm away from it, yet compelled to always come back, mostly out of fear.

I understand I have been blinded by selfishness, and my feelings of guilt over my own sad state of spiritual affairs. I know that those without Jesus are going to go to Hell. I know He offers a relationship with the Father. I wonder if I've been gyping myself out of this relationship. Of course I naturally believe I am that bad. That's my point though, and is what I've grown to resent. The fact that I can't ever just live a free life, I'm always questioning why I always have to mess it up.

I've began to simply give in to a lot of stuff recently, and just be without always thinking about what I'm doing. In short, I've been living like the rest of the world recently, and however dangerous I know the Bible teaches this to be, I've just simply been enjoying not constantly criticizing my every move. Of course there's always the tape playing in the back of my mind that warns me I cannot continue in this manner for long.

I guess what this has all brought me to is to question why my current mode of Christianity hasn't been sustainable. We've reached a crossroads folks, in which I can no longer continue in the old status quo ways.

So, when I begin to get back into the swing of things, what should I do differently? How can I create sustainable growth, and how can I actually walk in relationship with God? All things are possible with Him, so I guess I'll see what he has to say about it.

Note: I'm also tired of not caring about other people that much. I've been so self- centered that I've gotten paranoid about most people, though I believe most people will give you a reason to mistrust them. I'm tired of seeing other people in the same way I see myself, labeled by what they do. How can I move past this in the right way, without simply just accepting everyone how they are. Are we supposed to accept everyone how they are? There's the whole problem of our sins separating us from God thing, which I know is God's thing to worry about, not mine. How do you accept others when they don't live right? What does it mean to accept someone? Is approval part of accepting them? How do you love people who don't like you? How do you get to the point of not caring what they think about your life anyway? Mainly, how do you love them without sending the message that you can just continue doing what you do forever, and I won't be here to judge?

-_-

I have realized I hate the news. Every time I scan through the headlines on Google news, I can feel my stress levels rising. *Leaves bad taste in head*

Finis to "The Hunger Games" trilogy

So I finally finished "The Hunger Games" tonight. Now I feel melancholy, lonely and jaded. Fun eh? I will say one thing in the current state I'm in: these books are well written. I also believe the author told the story the way she heard the character's tell her. She told the truth, and the truth was not pretty. I sincerely hope humanity's future can be brighter, though from what I know from "Revelation" it gets worse before it gets better; much like "The Hunger Games." It's interesting how we write these books that are so telling about how we feel about our future. I don't hear or read of Utopian visions anymore. I also think the state the world's been in for decades, perhaps centuries now forms our view of how the future may be; especially as things have only gotten worse with the centralization of governments, and the consequences of countries so closely tied together when things go bad. Now if only we were inherently good; then we could hope. Interestingly enough, there's very little hope in our world. It seems that in our hands, in our greedy hands, hope withers like a rose in a dry glass.

The takeaway here? We cannot allow ourselves to live our lives thinking we must control everything. We have to give it all over to Jesus Christ, who is the only one worthy of taking such things as our hopeless, control freak lives, and make something beautiful and worthy of a hopeful future; because in our hands we have no hope. We can expect nothing else but Hell.

A Call

I have a burden on my heart. I probably couldn't put my finger on too much of it except to say I want to do God's will, and I feel lonely. Some of this is probably due to being on night shift (the loneliness and introspection that I can take advantage of.) Some of it may be due to my body actually being in a state of extreme fatigue, as I've not been sleeping on a regular schedule, or how I'm supposed to be.

Here's some of the things that are defining my lonely feelings: The world doesn't seem to have a place for me. Which on one level doesn't bother me because I know this place isn't my home anyway. On another level though, it makes me feel lonely. As Paul put it, "an alien in a foreign land." I have a "good" job. I am married and am expecting a child. On the surface everything should be OK. I know this is what most people live for. I don't want just this though. This is only my temporary life, of which I don't know when or where the end is. The only one who can make me whole and complete lives in Heaven right now, and even though I know I have access to Him and our Father, I still wish I could be with Him. He would/can understand all my lonely feelings, and put the correct words to them, instead of the rambling sentences I construct. I miss Him. I know I've never met Him while in this earthly body, except maybe when he touched or brushed by me. I really want to be with Him; away from all this pain, suffering and trouble that visits/will visit me while I am living on this lonely globe. Fellow brothers and sisters help. Sometimes I get glimpses of Him from them, but more often than not, I see a whole lot of struggling, oppressed people who can't seem to see past their issues and burdens. I know how they feel, because that's me most of the time. This also reminds me of something else Paul has said; something about seeing through rose-colored glasses while walking through this earth right now, but one day having clear vision.

I'm really tired of politics, war and fear. I look forward, more often than not nowadays, to a time when all this is over. When Jesus, my King, has taken all this away from us Forever. When we will be able to enjoy each other's presence without fearing conversations going awry; without fearing broken relationships. When we'll be able to love openly, all the time. When we could cry and not feel ashamed; hug each other at anytime; walk hand in hand through fields and just be able to have a seemingly endless conversation of soul-sharing. Why do we have to be so limited here? Is there anyway we cannot be? Aren't we as Christians supposed to be free? What can we do about this Church? Didn't Jesus talk about His Kingdom being in the now, as well as the future? Can we not move past our pasts, and become new creations? What is going on, and what are we going to do about it?

The Silence of Grace

I have tried Obedience.
It happens for a few days.
I don't even last a week.
What is wrong with me?
     I shout to the sky.
A gentle breeze answers
So I try more.
     and fail more.
The cycle continues,
     and my frustration grows.
What is wrong with me?
     I shout to the sky.
A bird flies by singing.
A flower is blooming.
Grass and trees reach
     for the same sky
     I direct my anger towards.
Where does my answer lie?
Why do I get no response?
A voice crying in the wilderness,
     head turned upwards,
     eyes searching the clouds.
Voice raw
     from asking the same question
     over and over again.
"Just Be," a friend tells me.
His Grace covers your failures.

9.20.11 01:00 Integrity

This may only be a passing fancy, but for now, I could enjoy oatmeal every night, eaten at this time.There's something filling and wholesome about a hot bowl of instant oatmeal. Of course the fact that it is "instant" oatmeal also means you won't feel very full for long. I do appreciate that I am not eating a honey bun though.

For a few weeks before this week, (the week in which I've decided oatmeal is most excellent at 1AM), I've eaten a honey bun either near the beginning of my shift, with coffee; or near the end, also with coffee. If you are going to do honey bun, you'd best do it right-with coffee. Now though, I find my sense of doing the right thing for once has permeated my life. I don't usually do the right thing when nobody's watching. If you put the honey bun directly beside the oatmeal and asked me to choose, I would more than likely choose the honey bun.

How am I supposed to feel, as a Christian, when I can't even make the right choices concerning the simple things in life? An interesting thought about that: Who's the hypocrite? The sensualist who makes no bones about the fact that he will always choose the easier, pleasurable path over a good, yet painful one any day; or the Christian who does everything right in front of everyone, but in private tends to choose the path of pleasure? Do we/I really believe in God? The answer of course is yes. However, our everyday actions should tell us what we believe about God; who we believe he is. Apparently we really don't think he cares that much, because we'd feel like he was watching us  when we chose wrongly. Nor do we seem to consider he is both the God of love/grace and judgement or, yet again, we'd definitely reconsider knowing our judge is always ever-present.

I have found another possibility, and it has little to do with what we actually think about God. Sometimes it is simply a case of fatalistic, why-bother thinking. We just get tired of thinking, questioning, ascertaining, wondering; sometimes we just want to do. We act, strike-out, eat, have sex, and we try not to have any thoughts while doing it. We know about consequences. We know about judgments and the God who will be witness to the whole thing. These things are pushed in the background, and then we start trying God's patience.

We hold a belief somewhere in our sub-conscience that God's mercy/grace will last forever. There also exists, constantly at war with the former, a belief that we're finally going to go too far this time. Gambling with our lives we forget, and do, and regret. A familiar "this will not be the last time" cycle.

So it feels good to notice I have began making a few small "nobody else will know" good choices. I am not just enjoying doing what I know to be right, but also the sweet taste of cinnamon and brown sugar.

Mosquito

Recently, I was caught singing at work. This got me thinking. Why did I say "caught" at singing?

American males belong to a current of machismo that must not be broken at all costs. Why is this? Who made the rules of this machismo, and why don't we have massive meetings about them? We never debate these rules. They are never spoken. Yet we feel obligated to abide by them. Singing aloud is one we particularly frown upon with embarrassment.

The guy that caught me didn't make a big deal out of it. He just smiled and pointed at the part he'd brought in. This same guy has heard me singing to myself before, telling me afterwards that I had a good singing voice and shouldn't stop. He'd asked me if I was in a church choir. Of course I have no reason behind singing, besides that I just want to. We feel as if we need some explanation for our actions, and giving one just adds more authority to the unspoken rule that was broken.

This time when I brought his part back, he didn't talk about it at all. I don't know if there was something on my face that said the subject was off limits, or if  he felt in himself that he shouldn't re-cross such a taboo subject. I gave him the information he needed and moved on. The result stuck with me though. I had been rehearsing how I should respond to his queries this time. Yeah, you got me. He says something about why I was singing. I just enjoy it, you know.


Of course no explanation was needed, even though, I felt sort of let down that I didn't get to tell my secret, bursting through the wall of silence; a rebel with a cause. I was feeling justified and ready to defend the part of myself that had dropped the handkerchief. I must admit though, that I felt a bit relieved that he had effectively dropped the subject. I could continue singing, un-harassed until someone else walked in.

Why is singing off limits? *Raises hand* Yes? "Because singing reveals part of our soul?" Why  yes, I do believe you've hit on something there. Singing is in a category with activities such as telling someone "I love you," and jumping rope. These are some of the things that make men uncomfortable because these activities are feminine in nature. Usually girls enjoy jumping rope, making up rhymes to go with each skip. Girls also feel free to say "I love you" any time they like, while those words must be dragged out of the masculine population. I could ask why this is, but that is a whole separate conversation that could take hours of hot debate.

I have decided that even without answers to why this machismo hangs like a fog over the heads of mankind, I will rebel and be my own man. The ironic thing is this rebellion can be found when the cloud of masculine identity. The other ironic thing is that machismo sounds too much like mosquito to be a coincidence to me.