Mosquito

Recently, I was caught singing at work. This got me thinking. Why did I say "caught" at singing?

American males belong to a current of machismo that must not be broken at all costs. Why is this? Who made the rules of this machismo, and why don't we have massive meetings about them? We never debate these rules. They are never spoken. Yet we feel obligated to abide by them. Singing aloud is one we particularly frown upon with embarrassment.

The guy that caught me didn't make a big deal out of it. He just smiled and pointed at the part he'd brought in. This same guy has heard me singing to myself before, telling me afterwards that I had a good singing voice and shouldn't stop. He'd asked me if I was in a church choir. Of course I have no reason behind singing, besides that I just want to. We feel as if we need some explanation for our actions, and giving one just adds more authority to the unspoken rule that was broken.

This time when I brought his part back, he didn't talk about it at all. I don't know if there was something on my face that said the subject was off limits, or if  he felt in himself that he shouldn't re-cross such a taboo subject. I gave him the information he needed and moved on. The result stuck with me though. I had been rehearsing how I should respond to his queries this time. Yeah, you got me. He says something about why I was singing. I just enjoy it, you know.


Of course no explanation was needed, even though, I felt sort of let down that I didn't get to tell my secret, bursting through the wall of silence; a rebel with a cause. I was feeling justified and ready to defend the part of myself that had dropped the handkerchief. I must admit though, that I felt a bit relieved that he had effectively dropped the subject. I could continue singing, un-harassed until someone else walked in.

Why is singing off limits? *Raises hand* Yes? "Because singing reveals part of our soul?" Why  yes, I do believe you've hit on something there. Singing is in a category with activities such as telling someone "I love you," and jumping rope. These are some of the things that make men uncomfortable because these activities are feminine in nature. Usually girls enjoy jumping rope, making up rhymes to go with each skip. Girls also feel free to say "I love you" any time they like, while those words must be dragged out of the masculine population. I could ask why this is, but that is a whole separate conversation that could take hours of hot debate.

I have decided that even without answers to why this machismo hangs like a fog over the heads of mankind, I will rebel and be my own man. The ironic thing is this rebellion can be found when the cloud of masculine identity. The other ironic thing is that machismo sounds too much like mosquito to be a coincidence to me.

Short Hand Notes on Relationships

Relationships are complicated, and any man who is thinking of boiling them down to a formula is ignorant. To have a relationship with someone is to allow oneself to be hurt. A lot. Relationships involve much give and take, and most successful ones involve more give than take. A person attempting a successful relationship must make decisions that can alter the future within a matter of seconds. Conversations and actions are at the very core of sturdy relationships. Things one says are of utmost importance. Actions are of even higher consequence than words. If actions have not backed words up often enough, the integrity of the offender is diminished. Once trust is broken it takes more effort each time to bring it back. Unlike breaking bones, the more the trust in a relationship is broken, the weaker it is when regrown. This is why a person attempting a successful relationship must practice self-evaluation. Along with this self-evaluation one must be willing to evaluate the needs and reactions of the partner to determine what words and actions of the self must change in order for the trust and faith in a relationship to continue. This evaluation should be practiced with honesty. If one practices these evaluations in order to present a false image of oneself, an image the partner has indicated she needs, the deceit of the person practicing the deception will eventually be found out. When deceit of this magnitude is discovered, there may be no returning to the former trust of the relationship. This is something worth avoiding, and is why one must give an honest representation of oneself to his partner. If one lies, it is best to uncover the lie as quickly as possible. The more time a lie is allowed to sit and stagnate, the more putrid it will be when discovered. This is similar to allowing a dead rat to remain under the couch. Over time the overpowering stench of decay will give its location away. It is easier to dispose of a freshly deceased rat, than one that has been allowed to decay. There will no doubt be permanent stains if this is allowed to take place. Yet such deceit is part of human nature. Even though we understand how horrifyingly destructive these evils can be to a relationship, we continually practice them. Pride will oft times be the underlying motive. We would prefer to be the “good guy,” retaining as unblemished an exterior as is possible. We control these situations by keeping our mouth shut, and shoving the rat under a basket.

Thanksgiving: National give thanks day, or celebrate national obesity day.

Tragically Delicious

Picture Work Blog

Life of Ease and Frustration: Water Flows Downhill

I am tired and filled with caffeine. My head feels jittery, like my arms. There is a dullness in my brain from lack of good sleep. Yesterday, Marquis called us. He talked to us both on subjects ranging from National Novel Writing Month to (the One Who Must Not Be Named). I am interested in writing a novel,and have been for my whole memorable life. The problem, as Anna said last night, is I'm a realist. I tell myself I'm over criticism. That is false though, as I continue battling it on a daily basis. Even though I continue to follow my own path, paranoia trails me in close second. I'm paranoid right now, continually looking over my shoulders. Is Chris in here? Is Josh looking over here? Talking about me? Yesterday I was paranoid became I wanted to listen to the news on my MP3 player. I even asked Josh if anybody would care if I did. He said no. I continued feeling Yes. I'm so anal about some things, and its beginning to drive me crazy. I keep wanting to read over what I've written, looking for mistakes. At home, I'll tell Anna how something she's done can be done better. You know that doesn't go over well sometimes. Even if I were to attempt to write a novel, during NNWM I would have extreme difficulty continuing to write. I've always had problems continuing something I've started. I like new things, and starting new things, but have the lowest level of commitment to them of anyone I know. It may be my greatest downfall in life. I lack discipline. I lack self-confidence and self-control. I am water.

Interview Prep

Just for everyone's FYI I'm going to begin an interview process that includes: the interview, a write up, and a post of the write up. I've been thinking about how to do it, and would like some feedback as to the options I've come up with. Options: Create a totally different website for this body of work that includes audio footage, transcripts of the interviews, and write ups of them; Create a different blogger/blog spot for the interview write ups; or simply post them on this site. I've already conducted the first interview, but have been sitting on it for a couple weeks now. I'm hoping to attain some motivation to revisit.

Thanks for your cooperation.